How to Split Up Your Parents
By Polly Spain, May 18th 2017
Bored of living in a happy home? Sick of your Dad asking you about your fucking
day? There comes a time in everyone’s life when they wish their parents would just
evaporate. Adults rant about how difficult it is to raise a child, but no one considers
the hell that is living under a domestic dictatorship. If they think parenting is hard,
they have never felt the pain of being confined to one hour of xbox per day.
Unfortunately, parents rarely disappear on their own- but you can cause them
incredible grief. All you have to do is destroy their marriage, so YOU can be the
focal point of their life. Think about it. Being the child of divorce has so many
benefits. It’s edgy, empowering, and sexy. But seriously, splitting up your parents is
actually a lot easier than it looks.
1. Report them for tax avoidance.
Parents don’t seem worried about paying their taxes? If you have caught a whiff
of tax avoidance, this is the easiest first step to causing a rift in their relationship. If
youre lucky they may get jail time. Maintaining a marriage behind bars is hard.
2. Report them to CPS.
Social services frown on child starvation. This is a sure fire way to make sure
your parents experience maximum stress. Freedom is just a phone call away. If
possible, claim you have been eating the family dog just to sustain yourself. They’ll
think twice about buying you concert tickets after this one!
3. Stage your own death, and watch their marriage deteriorate.
If all other options have failed, this one is sure to work. It is proven that 50% of
marriages fail after a child dies. You’ll have to commit to character, and go off the
grid for a couple months (minimum), but this will ensure they will never be the
same. When you return, they’ll do everything you ask them. They may be a little
angry, but if they weren’t so in love you wouldn’t have left in the first fucking
The contents of this page are a joke and should NOT be taken seriously under any account. Please don't actually try to split up your parents.